No not the exercise or the whole lifestyle change I'm attempting. I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster I didn't realise I've been riding for over 6 months, until my mum's rather telling phone call yesterday. Having 3 people separately tell you that you're being to hard on yourself has to make something twig right? And I've been noticing that I don't really take any joy or satisfaction in my hard work and/or achievements lately, which is definitely not normal. Literally, every time I do something it always feels not good enough.
It's taken some time and a writing buddy, partner and mother to point it out. Luckily Mum knows me very well, and as it turns out I've been putting a lot of stress and pressure on myself. I have a slight problem with perfectionism inherited from dear Mum, and if I choose to, can pretty much drive myself nutty... been doing a pretty good job of it too.
Here's what's happened since I last wrote - last night I did another round of C25K and weights (1 hour all up) then built a fruit and vege mascot in the Group FS (still no books to follow, our trainer seemed a bit lost as to what to do with us, so it was literally 15 mins and then home). Went home and talked to Ben about the day's sudden revelations, thankfully he has broad shoulders. Dinner with the girls the night before went really well, I stuck to all my goals and spent 3-4 hours talk talk talking away.
Here's where I'm at now - today I'm taking a break from the gym (done 3.5hrs this week already), I'm going to rewrite all of my goals and be kinder to myself, I'm going to readjust my thinking and stop the negative internal voice inside with positive vibes all the way. Part of this will need to involve a personality trait I've had since I was a kid, which is basically to bury myself on my own planet for a while. According to Mum even as a 5yo I'd only play with other kids for so long, then I'd walk away and go spend some time alone. This same trait drove my besties in high school round the bend. I've always liked my alone time, but lately I haven't been able to relax enough to do it, my mind is constantly running and jittery to the point where even reading a book (my all time fav thing to do) has been impossible. That really should have tipped me off to my issues right? Ah well, hindsight and all that.
I feel like a bit of an idiot for not realising what I was putting myself through, but that's the past and there's nothing I can do it about. I need to focus on how I'm going to fix this, which is basically living more in the now and focussing a lot less on planning and the future. My plans for the weekend will involve catching up with my writing bud, submitting a short story to Winds of Change, some relaxing exercise (so not too strenuous, though I still might decide to nix that too) and dinner with friends. Besides that I'm doing SFA - vegeing out and doing all I can to relieve the built up stress, by getting back in to reading and my Wii (can't include the traditional packet of Tim Tams this time, but it'll have to do). Later I'll set aside a whole weekend of doing SFA, but this is a definite start. The sense of relief I get from typing those words is a pretty good indicator that I'm on the right track. I'm not sure when I'll write next, but wishing everyone on the web a weekend of reconnection and happiness.